Star Trek is like the nerd Old testament, and Star Wars is the new.
Dollar for dollar, I’m a bargain.
Bitch please. I’ve been drunk tweeting since 1987.
I’ve been drinking, so if you’re out partying and need a ride home, call someone else.
If not letting you see my Netlix queue means I have “intimacy issues”, you’re just a new aged hippy.
Truth is, from a design standpoint, there’s no reason for your ass to be so fleshy and round beside feeling good banging against my hips.
America is the only country in the known universe that can provide a cast for a show called My 600 Pound Life.
As long as I recycle them, I don’t have to feel bad about all these bottles, right?
I am not Bipolar. I’m totally Homopolar.
The secret to good microwave burritos is to just kill yourself right now.
I am a fat, grey-haired old fuck. Fuck you if you aren’t too.
Somehow, the dog seems to know that I’ve eaten everything that doesn’t need to be defrosted.
And then sometimes you wake yourself up snoring to find a whole wheat tortilla on your chest and you wonder.
I don’t remember being this unhappy when I was stoned.
I thought I told you to go to Hell.
I think I have sperm older than Taylor Lautner,
When the liquor pushes against the back of your eyes.
Can there be extreme nudity? It seems like a singular state to me.
Is there a Day Owl?
"Do you drink to intoxication?" Sure. Intoxication, infatuation, education, masturbation, whatever you got, I’ll drink to it.
Potential drag name; Secretia Pus.
No man have ever brought me the same pleasure as a Q-TIp has.
Money should bring us joy, which is why I think each bill should have a different member of the Olympic male swim team on it. Shirtless.
I just had the strongest desire for a hug. Luckily, I’m over it but, So. Creepy.
Once I believed in love and promise, now I believe in anger and regret. That’s maturity.
Look, if your ass is going to look like that in a pair of sweatpants, you have no right to be creeped out by my erect tongue.
I’m hungry, but not get-up-and-go-all-the-way-to-the-kitchen-to-get-food hungry.
My brother called me a sad old queen today. He was trying to be hurtful but he’s too late, I’ve been a sad old queen for decades.
Sometime in our lifetime, well, maybe not mine, but most of yours, Edward Snowden will be hailed as the American hero he is.
Nobody is loving Liam Payne’s alienation of the gays more than Louis Tomlinson. Finally he’ll get to sing lead on a song or two.
Relationship status; Zappos.
Sometimes, only I Love Lucy will do.
The snow is dry and fluffy, like a British homosexual.