Once again, there was no reward for not killing anyone.
The perfect man for me has only three of the five major physical senses.
If you begin an interaction with me with “I’d appreciate it if you’d stop….”, you’re going to end up disappointed.
Tonight, A woman, 70+ years of age, told me she has to go to physical therapy for her ass and now I’m afraid to sleep.
I don’t understand happiness any more than I understand Mandarin.
I’d like another hot Spanish boyfriend so I can call his penis Calindo Chorizo.
Weighing the relative benefits of moobs and push ups. I think we all know how this is going to end up.
There’s a National Sleep Foundation. I imagine those meetings must be extremely boring.
Old, poor, happy. Pick two.
You’re only just building your back story. I’m already defending mine, denying what I can, regretting what I can’t deny.
I’m a Pisces, which means when I tell you to go Fuck yourself, it’s with deep emotion.
Wine does not have calories. Anyone who says otherwise is wrong and should be killed.
How unappealing do you have to be to get turned down by a guy with one ball?
consciousness is like a house pet, it should be altered.
You’re not getting laid with that hipster, Rabbi beard are you? You know why? It’s fucking ugly. Shave bitch. Just. Shave.
Balls have always been my favorite meal.
"Et Spiritu Sanctus" always made me horny.
I would totally kick you in the boob for a loaf of Challa bread.
Pasta in a can is just a bad idea.
Straight guys are never more vulnerable then when they’re trying to do a jazz run.
Sorry, but if you march with a confederate flag outside any black families house, you’re a racist.
Goddammit. My hand moved but the toilet paper didn’t. Now I have to wash my hands.
Some days, it’s easy to keep the anger and hate alive.
Today, it was made clear just how replaceable I am. Now we wait.
The best part about going to the cardiologist is being the only one in the waiting room young enough to play in the sand box.
Wal-Mart Greeters except everywhere and with big bowls of Lithium.
When this gas bubble passes, it’s going to make Fukashima seem like a burnt dinner.
I always over-cook the fish. I think it’s irresponsible not to.
After Hillary, I think we should have a Black-Lesbian-With-An-Asian-Girlfriend-And-Five-Special-Needs-Kids-From-The-Third-World President.
Mostly, I’m only drunk when I stand up.
Agoraphobia is seeming like a better and better career choice.
I like olives, especially when they taste like ass.
I love you but not visit-you-in-prison-or-the-hospital-or-your-grave love you.
"Gentlemen of the jury" sounds legal. "Ladies and gentlemen of the jury" sounds showbiz.
Straight boys do get crushes, but they’re usually on each other.
I want pie.
I’m going to try using the word “twat” more often.
The people who make the movie don’t review it. The same should be true for children.
"Carb-free pasta tastes just like regular pasta." - Lying liars.
Just broke a wine glass. Luckily I still have that box of straws from the old days at the Palladium.
If you ask me, none of this would have happened if the archduke Ferdinand had been left alone.
I’ve been working long-form tonight, so it’s all been on Facebook because I don’t have enough Tumblr followers, and this shit is golden.
I’ve never rebuffed an advance. Just, you know, FYI.
I don’t think you should follow me, but, fuck it, you have parents, they should be monitoring your online activities.
I told dog he looks like he was drawn by Dr. Seuss and he said “no, YOU look like YOU were drawn by Dr. Seuss” so he’s funnier than you.