If you’re over 25 and not the creepy moderator of a youth group but use the word “coinkydink”, you should be shoved off a highway overpass.
The wife of the basketball coach who was molesting the ball boy (!) not only knew but banged him herself. Hell is in awe.
My dowager drag name is Auntie Histamine.
You should all be as neat as my dog. Yes he drags his ass across the room, but he goes back and licks the floor clean when he’s done.
Red wine because being lucid sucks.
Are any of you people in prison?
It’s a good thing I’m too ugly to have sex. Now that I don’t smoke I have no idea how to behave after. Somebody gets killed, right?
This evenings featured cocktail is Ambien with an Ativan back. Belly up bitches.
Pepper-spray cop works his way through art history... →
I bet all you straight guys wish you were nice to the gay guy who thought you were cute now that you’re married and your wife won’t blow you
Today’s impulse buy; Meat Bread, because Meat. Bread.
If by “art” you mean “a way to be identified upon the discovery of my body” then yes, your tattoo is art.
Happiness is a lit cigarette.
Aspirin therapy and Effient. My blood is so thin it has to give up its American citizenship.
David Sedaris and the snail →
I’m supposed to be thankful for stents and advancements in cardiac care……Whatever. Without being able to smoke, dead would have been ok.
When I was a kid I always wondered how the Popes nose got into the turkeys ass. As an adult I wonder why he doesn’t take it out.
Thanksgiving is a time to remember the most American of tragedies, the drunk who burns his house down deep frying a turkey.
So what does the Chinese character tattoo mean? Strength? Hope? Serenity? Pretentious douchebag?
I could be in a nice, satin lined box laying down right now.
Scottsboro Goys Joseph And The Amazing Medical Degree. Seven Shiksas For Seven Rabbis. It’s A Bird, It’s A Plane, It’s Your Uncle Jerry Fiddling On The Roof. Annie Get Your Dreidel. Stop The Kibbutz, I Want To Get Off. Hugh Jackman, Such A Nice Boy Lease Moses, King of the Desert. Katz Hello, Deli
You take a sleeping pill and count backward from 50. If you get to 1, you need a bigger dose. That’s basic medicine, Dr.”fear of addiction”.
I will not have a Merry Christmas so don’t even try spreading your calendar induced happiness anywhere near me. It’s fake and I hate it.
I do have to say, as a man over 60, he must have had some positive body image to get naked around boys so much younger.
If Dante were writing today I bet Hell would have at least three more circles.
Nobody would have called me a Ginger back in the day even if we used that term. I was more Paprika colored. Still soulless, but paprika.
I’m not a violent person. I hate blood. I want to stab someone in the neck. Noone in particular, just anyone with a neck.
I suppose after the trouble with the small private zoo in Ohio, Ashton Kutcher was gonna have to get rid of his Cougar.
Universal truth - The people who have the least usually end up helping the most.
Sometimes people just say nice things to you about you to be polite. You’re not supposed to believe them. I though everybody knew that.
If there’s a physical benefit to smoke cessation, it hasn’t outweighed my psychological desire to kick someone until they’re dead.
I made a decision tonight based on what was the right, adult thing to do. I never hated myself more and hope I don’t wake up tomorrow
Life is not a sacred gift. It’s usually the result of too much drinking, a broken condom or manipulation. A hot ass is a more sacred gift.
Even my heart attacks failed.