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I think I spent 5 consecutive minutes today not actively craving a cigarette. Progress is slower than Rosemary Kennedy post labotomy.
tyleroakley: sle4zy: There was a little kid on the bus singing Someone Like You very badly, so I recorded it. Have fun looking at my face the whole time, by the way.
He may be able to drive and protect sheep but the dog has no concept of being hung over. I know how to fix that, tonight I share the wine
If I’m drinking it just to finish the bottle it doesn’t count.
I’ve been dreaming of a cigarette for weeks. Actually dreaming about smoking a cigarette. Death will be a relief.
I am a bad influence and have a shitty attitude, but I love to eat ass and I give great head, so, you decide.
I believe the real question is, where are Carmen Sandiego’s parents? I mean, if they don’t care where she is, why should I?
Happy with today’s EKG, the cardiologist told me to “…celebrate. Go buy yourself some ice cream.” I’m 44 years old. That’s weird, right?
Being in Times Square gives me the chance to play my favorite game; Gay Or European?
I’ve read the first 20 pages of A Portrait Of The Artist As A Young Man 3 times today and can’t figure it out. Maybe I’m not drunk enough.
Elizabeth II’s husband is ill, in the hospital. If he dies, it means……..nothing.
I got turned away from the Cuban restaurant last night because I was alone. Maybe I should have floated in on a door with 70 friends.
If my saying Happy Holidays offends you because I didn’t say Merry Christmas, let me know so I can say Go Fuck Yourself.
They don’t make a big deal of it in the movie, but Cindy-Lou Who was a whore.
This just in; The number of Laying Geese has been changed to 5. Bon Apetit.
Fuck you, I AM merry. Merry as a sonofabitch. Or drunk. Probably drunk. Anyway, the fuck you still applies.
Clearly most of you either don’t know what “awkward” means or have a very low threshold for awkwardness. Either way, enough. You know what awkward is? Your father on the other side of the glory hole. A lap dance from your sister. Watching a 10 year old breast feed.
The only surprise about the Duggars releasing a picture of their dead fetus is that it wasn’t wearing a Santa hat.
Last night for the first time since dual heart attacks in Sept.I ate fast food. Not any fast food, White Castle and it was FUCKING AWESOME.
This is getting tedious. Unless the next Republican “debate” includes knives, I don’t want to know about it.
Today I was naked while someone else was in the room. I got a hernia diagnosis and a digital prostate exam. Still, best date in a while.
“Have you ever tried to hurt yourself?” Well, I smoked a pack a day for 32 years.”Since then?” No, I’ve only wanted to hurt others.
Sorry, but “later on, we’ll perspire, as we sit, by the fire.” May be accurate but it’s just bad lyric writing.
Jesus was the first Anchor Baby.
We're going to try and keep Girl's Night a little...
shefliesallaround: “Look you guys, I brought juice boxes!” -Karen Walker
Could I live through the pain on a terrace in Spain? Would it pass? It would...– Phyllis Stone from Could I Leave You. Follies by Stephen Sondheim.
We are the Children Of A Lesser Corn.
He tried to shake my hand but he was a child and had not been bleached recently.
Personally, I believe the guy who was there and... →
War on Xmas? It’s a religious holiday celebrated at the mall. A minor annoyance, yes. The Hemorrhoid on the calendar, sure. Not worth a war.
Ask yourself, Is the light in your child’s eye on Xmas morning celebrating the glory of their saviors birth or the glory of greed fulfilled?
Grunting has joined farting in the symphony that is the sound of my life.
When it comes to fisting, noone beats the two Dicks. Santorum is a power bottom and Perry has nice big hands.